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When I’m 64… Is That Considered Old?

Headline News:  There are occasions when two women, nudity, a phallic device, and a camera do not result in eroticism… and all the incidental 70’s porn music ever carved into vinyl can’t help.  And that’s all I want to say about that…

As I was palpitating with delight at my new work HP desktop (replacing a crappy Dell that I couldn’t even watch Hulu videos on – not that I would do that on the clock; that would be unethical, and we’re all about ethics at my office), my boss was announcing, “I hate it.”  Not only did we have to uninstall Office 2007 because he can’t handle the “x” after the “.dot,” but he would also prefer to regress from Windows 7 to XP.

The scenario brings to mind my ever-expanding list of Things I Don’t Want to Do When I Grow-Up and Get OLD:

  1. Shut down my brain with the assumption that The World Peaked in my 30’s.  That goes for ideas, technology, music, art, and sexual positions.
  2. Have every conversation rapidly morph from small talk to my ailments and bodily functions (or lack thereof).
  3. Start putting definite articles in front of words that shouldn’t have definite articles.  (As in, “She has The Cancer.”  “He has The Diabetes.”  “We went to The Wal-Mart.”)
  4. Tell kids to get off my lawn.
  5. Store my clothes in moth balls.
  6. Think I can go without showering so long as I apply a substantial daily coating of Jean Nate.
  7. Drive 10 miles below the speed limit.
  8. Have a tissue box in the back window of my car.
  9. Eat dates.
  10. Say, “Kids these days” with a tone that implies I never did anything stupid… or fun…

And I would add, “Go to dinner at 4:30″…but Hec & I already kind of do that…

So, what have I missed?

This entry was posted on Friday, January 22nd, 2010 at 4:52 pm and is filed under Bellamy's Blather.... You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

2 Responses to “When I’m 64… Is That Considered Old?”

  1. Lewie Says:
    January 23rd, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Flatulating in the aisles of stores(SBD) and not even realizing what you have done. Jeff would be a good example….Eating Prunes…Repeating the same stories to the same people over and over and over and over and over again. Sorry I got lost in the loop.

  2. Cricket Says:
    January 29th, 2010 at 11:26 am

    I LOVE THIS LIST! Especially the one about the ailments–that’s the number one thing that ages people the most. As for new sexual positions….ummm…that kind of grosses me out. I can’t watch a viagra ad on tv or see “old” people making out so I’m just not sure about that. I don’t want to wash my hair only once a week, either.

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