This Chick's Perspective…

So the kid from Sling Blade grew up to become Jeep, that loveable yet dimwitted trailer-park scamp who will – with the assistance of Charlie, a promiscuous pregnant waitress who hides her vulnerability beneath a veneer of disdain for the world – raise the next Christ Child.

God help us all.

In Legion, I had expected an amalgamation of Constantine and the The Seventh Sign, but received a mishmash of pseudo-biblical nonsense and a plot so mangled that the chef at a metaphorical road-kill café would struggle to find anything worth salvaging for his dog’s dinner.

(Here’s a bit of context for my local readers:  That book about Diodian was more cohesive.)

In a nutshell:  God pissed off.  Sends angels to destroy humans.  Angel Michael rebels.  If baby of teenage slut is born and lives, humankind will survive.  (No explanation for this bit.)  Michael travels to Paradise Falls (get it… get it – Paradise Falls… here, let me grind that symbolism in like a cigarette butt under a 350 pound man’s shoe) to save baby of teenage slut.  Gunshots.  Gunshots.  Gunshots.  Bloodshed.  Bloodshed.  A lot of male characters shedding a single tear.  Gabriel blows.  Fighting.  Fighting.  Fighting.  Gyrating Cudgel.  Jeep and Charlie and Baby (name undisclosed) on mountain at sunrise.  Prime for sequel and… Cut.

I have omitted the bit about me guffawing during the scene of the mountain at sunrise… which apparently pissed off the movie viewers who were gleaning profound life lessons from the film and which sent Hecubus into silent hysterics.

Just a few questions:

1. A Two-Parter:  Why the metal collars on the Angels?  Did God put an electric fence around Heaven and Earth to train Angels to remain within this realm?  And why select a style of collar which implies that Angels are God’s sadomasochistic bitches?   (I know… I know… I’m going to Hell.)
2. While I understand that “The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth,” why do “Movie Meeks” always live in corrugated steel trailers?
3. If it’s the Apocalypse and you’re one of the 5 people chosen to protect the child who will save the world, should you really chug a case of Busch beer prior to handling an automatic weapon?
4. Immediately after giving birth, are women generally able to climb mountains?
5. Did Paul Bettany need the money that badly?
6. Another Two-Parter:  Does my local Christian Café / Bookstore sell those gyrating spiked cudgels?  If so, do they take AA or AAA batteries?

Bellamy’s Rating:  “Oy Vey!”

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 30th, 2010 at 3:51 pm and is filed under Bellamy's Blather.... You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.